Another month gone..

We found out yesterday that we're not pregnant.  This came as no surprise.  We had to cancel our IUI at the very last minute.  Still, it was painful to hear that once again we've been unsuccessful at getting pregnant.

We drove to Virginia this past weekend and while we were driving we talked about a bunch of things including our finances and our fertility plans.  We've decided to try for 2 more months until the end of the year.  If we're not pregnant by then, we're going to take a break.

The past 6 months have been truly horrible.  You don't know how emotionally traumatizing this journey is until you experience it for yourself.  I'm tired of the drugs, the shots, and the seemingly endless doctor appointments.  I'm tired of paying month after month medical bills for unsuccessful tries.  I'm tired of the sympathetic tone in my nurse's voice when she tells me that this wasn't our month.  I'm especially tired of how positive she is that we'll eventually be successful.

I know that I have a lot to be joyful about.  My niece was born this year.  My cousin's son is due in December.  We've traveled a lot this year.  One of my best friends just got engaged last week and I'm the one who gets to hear all of the details.  My beautiful husband turned 30.  We have a home we own, steady employment, and a healthy family.  And still, I can barely bring myself to be excited that the holidays are coming.  For the first year since we moved into our condo we didn't have a Halloween party.  I've already told some friends that I'm not doing a holiday party, although that may change.  Right now, I just wish I could fast forward to January 2nd.

Our Infertility Story, Pt. 2

Ok, so where did I leave off yesterday? Oh yeah, we decided needed help. So, we started to see a fertility specialist- also known as a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). As these sorts of specialists are not common, ours is a grueling hour away from us. This really sucks, especially when you have 7am appointments! Still, our RE and his staff are fantastic and we feel lucky to have such great people on our side.

After speaking with the RE I was diagnosed with PCOS- poly cystic ovaries syndrome. This is a fairly common problem and after a battery of tests we found out that we are lucky enough to have no other problems. Our tests included multiple internal sonograms, an HSG test where they push dye through your fallopian tubes to ensure they are open (which was the most painful test BY FAR), blood work, and genetic testing. Caleb had blood work and a semen analysis done, which both came back normal.

We decided to spend the first several months working on my weight, which is much more than ideal. I went to a special nutritionist and gained a ton of helpful information. Unfortunately, it wasn't working so we decided to stop going after several months. Then, in June we started using medication to trigger ovulation. I take both Clomid and Ovidrel to accomplish this. That same month we did an in-utero insemination (IUI). It was extremely painful because my cervix was pointed in the wrong direction and they had to use forceps to move it. Ouch!

Obviously, it wasn't successful or I wouldn't still be typing. Sigh. We decided to keep pushing forward. Unfortunately, in July my ovaries overstimulated due to the drugs. This meant a higher risk of multiples. After hearing what selective reduction entailed, we made the difficult choice to cancel the IUI. Did you know that selective reduction isn't done until after the fetuses are 10 weeks old? At that point, the fetuses are fully-formed super-tiny babies? In order to abort the "extraneous" fetuses, they inject some sort of chemical into the fetuses that prevents them from continuing to grow. However, the fetuses remain in your uterus- along with the remaining, growing fetuses- and you eventually pass them when you give birth. Another sucky thing? This is NOT covered by insurance. With a price tag of $5,000-$8,000 we knew we couldn't take the risk.

September brought us new hope and new sorrows. The RE reduced my medication and I under stimulated. We decided to cancel because we didn't feel it was worth it. We had timed intercourse and waited to see what would happen. In the end, it was another negative.

That brings us to this month. I was feeling positive and we were prepared to try an IUI again. We got all the way to our appointment and Caleb started to have a panic attack. I think the stress and pressure of having to produce was too much for him. We ended up having to cancel our appointments and leave. So, this month will probably be another month wasted. This is the story of my life these days.

So far, this journey has been incredibly difficult- emotionally and physically for both myself and Caleb. It's tough to stay positive month after month when you repeatedly fail. Despite my growing pessimism I keep pushing forward. It's the only thing I can do- quiting is not an option. At least, not yet.

Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences if you are also going through or have gone through your own infertility story. I'm always looking for more people to receive support from and return it in kind.

Our Infertility Story, Pt. 1

I thought I'd take a minute to share our infertility story:

Caleb and I decided to start trying to have a child at the very beginning of October 2009. I've known since I was 14 that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. My brother and I are 7 years apart. My mother and her sister are 11 years apart. My father and his sister are 6 years apart, and my cousin is 14 years younger than me, born when my aunt was 37. Needless to say, we are not an especially reproductive family! In many ways this has been a blessing- I am very close to all of my extended family because we are such a small family. On the other had, it has made me painfully aware that poor reproductive genetics run rampant in my family.

To make things worse, Caleb's parents also had problems conceiving Caleb's younger brother, who is 4 years younger than him. They originally wanted 3 children but decided to stop at two because of how emotionally draining having their second was. Now that I'm going through it myself, I completely understand!

Anyway, 2 years ago we decided to start trying. Caleb had just turned 28, I was 26, and we'd been married for 1 1/2 years. We owned our own home (we closed on our condo the same day we became engaged) and we both have decent-paying, reliable jobs. I knew it would take us a couple of years to have a child and I was anxious to start. Caleb wasn't really ready, but he knew how important this was to me so he agreed to start trying.

After over a year of trying on our own, we decided to see a specialist. The next day, we got the both exciting and crushing news that Caleb's younger brother was expecting. As anyone who has had difficulty conceiving can tell you, having close friends and relatives become pregnant can be terribly painful even while being joyful at the same time. I was very excited to become an aunt. However, it was also painful to have been trying for so long and have someone else succeed where we were failing. I know that may sound awful to some people, but that's how I honestly felt.

Well, that's enough for today. I'll continue on tomorrow...